What Tech N9ne Tells Us About the 2013 MLB Season

Guys, it’s finally here. Forget about the MLB Trading Deadline, Tech N9ne’s newest album, Something Else, is out. Now, I don’t know about y’all, but it is my belief that no two things go better together than America’s Pasttime and Tekka Neena. As we enter the stretch run of the season, it only makes sense to mix these two passions by pairing Tech’s song titles up with the player or players that most fit the title. Honestly, it would be wrong if we didn’t do this.

The Beast – Miguel Cabrera

But they scared of me.
Rappers they don’t compare to me.
Fair to be said he dares to be sincerely a rarity.

It’s as if Tech wrote this song for Miggy Pop. Cabrera is on pace to have 51 home runs and 154 RBI’s this year… while putting up a .360/.455/.672 triple slash. This is Miguel Cabrera’s world… we’re all just living in it. After everybody made the argument that Mike Trout deserved the MVP Award last year due to his absurd WAR, Cabrera has responded by raising his OPS 128 points. As of Monday, Cabrera’s WAR (6.4) was just a titch above Trout’s (6.2). FOR ALL THE NON-BELIEVERS. Sure, his fielding is the worst it has been since 2004, but this is America, where defense is for nerds.

Midwest Choppers – St. Louis Cardinals

Automatic kickin’ the ammunition.
Killin’ the competition, know it ain’t nobody hotta, hotta, hotta.
Damaging everything and everybody.
You know we on a mission.

The Cardinals are a combined 23-10 this year against teams in the Midwest (Cubs, Reds, Royals, Brewers). They have also outscored the Brewers 57-31 in their ten games (eight victories), but… you know… they are the Brewers. There is a reason this team has the best record in baseball. They are taking care of business against the teams they play most often.

The biggest obstacle for the Cardinals, though, is the Pirates. After their win Monday, the Buccos are only a half game behind the Cardinals in the Central and are 4-2 against the division leaders this year. Overall, the Cards are now 17-21 against teams with a winning percentage of .500 or higher. Of their remaining 59 games, 13 are against the Pirates (including two today and four in the next three days) and 10 are against the Reds. So, they can chop up on the Midwest walkovers like the Brewers and Cubs when possible, but the road ahead is rough for the Redbirds if they want to maintain their perch at the top of the Major Leagues.

Am I A Psycho? – Francisco Liriano

Mom? Dad? I’m no longer the boy you’re used to seeing.

Yeah, no kidding. As an admitted (albeit begrudgingly) Twins fan, this is not the same Liriano that had an ERA above 5.00 his final two years in Minnesota. From 2012 to 2013, Liriano’s BB/9 has gone down 1.52, his HR/9 has gone down .71, and his FIP is down to 2.74 from 4.34. I’m not saying the Twins shouldn’t have traded him to the White Sox last year. A change of scenery was definitely necessary. That doesn’t make his success any less perplexing.

Liriano has now made 15 starts this year with the Pirates. He has allowed multiple earned runs only five times. He has gone at least seven innings six times, including in four of his five starts in July. Liriano has pitched his way into the NL Cy Young discussion, so I’m going to go wash my mouth out now and go cry for a while.

Demons – Houston Astros

And they wondered why I was plumb-rotten to the core.
It was nothing but an itty bitty demon.
There’s a demon inside of me, can I kill it? Hell naw!
Can I kill it? Hell naw!
Can I kill it? Hell naw!

I realize I’m not breaking any news here… but the Astros are really bad. They are on pace to finish 55-107. This may be more than a demon. This is some full-blown, exorcist-style possession.

The Astros have a -165 run differential, which is 75.5 percent worse than the Marlins, who are second worst in the league in that category. Houston ranks within the bottom four teams in the league in runs, batting average, on-base percentage, slugging percentage, ERA, WHIP, and batting average against. This team needs Jesus. Sure, they have good pieces in Jason Castro and Jose Altuve, but this team is scary awful. The Astros could also have qualified to by named after Tech’s EP “Bad Season,” but that would not do this abomination justice.